Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Jealous, I am

I am a self-professed drama queen, guilty of throwing tantrums at my boyfriend when it comes to jealousy. He’d just laugh about it, a quality that is so endearing of him. And when he’s past the bemusement of it, I’m just glad he has extra patience to deal with me whenever I throw yet another fit.

I surmise that the size of my green-eyed monster may just be too big. It makes me wonder a number of things: if there ever lived a person who’s never jealous; if my jealousy is beyond normal; and when too much jealousy is enough.

Amazingly, there are just some who are good at hiding their emotions, so much so that they may not, at all, appear jealous of other people. With all confidence, I know that my boyfriend still gets jealous whenever some guys come around, despite his calm and collected stance. But yes, he sure knows how to handle his jealousy well. He is the type who doesn’t seem to worry about other guys because there is nothing he can do about it anyway. He can only do so much to change the guy’s behavior, let alone mine.

I guess I should just hoist my white flag up – he has always shown maturity in all his ways, allowing him to understand that even if he may not like it, get pissed at the other guys or prolly get hurt if I bite the bait, he can never change my actions by getting jealous. He has a hold on my demon, a terrible force that can break anything it gets its way on. Perhaps, I could learn from his ways and just chill.

But just when is too much jealousy enough? A little jealousy sure won’t hurt, but I admit that I couldn’t have too much of it. I get jealous to the point that I turn into a psycho, bursting into tears thinking he might have bumped into this girl on one of his ‘long days’. I become a stalker too, forcing him to give me his password to his Facebook account, in a bid to never be caught off-guard. As if it’s not enough, I even pick fights over imaginary people and circumstances that are mere figments of my imagination.

To many people, (including you perhaps), you’d think of me to be overboard. I have been warned that if I do not mellow down, he might dump me. I honestly don’t care. Anything in between can happen in a relationship. And when it comes to jealousy, it’s not the extent of jealousy that matters but how both partners deal with it.

My boyfriend has been putting up with my shitty behavior and I’m thankful that he's still there, hanging on for dear life (lol). If only it were easier for me to understand that there really is nothing for me to worry about. So what if his face lightens up whenever I mention about two of his major crushes? What is it to me if his ex’s number registers on his “Missed Calls” list? What do I care if he compliments other chicks for being bountiful there?

He is with me. He chooses to be with me. As long as we both feel that way about each other, I guess that’s more than enough to banish whatever insecurity there is.

Easier said than done for now, really. I’ll learn to get past this eventually, though.